Ambiguous Ethnicity Challenge

Thirst Thursday: Women Losing Their Shit Over This Mug Shot

It’s a slow news day. Now that we’ve said of that, we wanted to make you aware of the racially ambiguous/magically delicious/beautiful felon that is Jeremy Meeks – because you’re girlfriend (or boyfriend) most surely is already acquainted. In fact, they’re all conspiring to help this beautiful stranger make bail. All $900,000 of it.

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Despite being a presumably hardened criminal (he’s been convicted six times) who was arrested this time for “street terrorism” (possession of illegal firearms and ammo, carrying a loaded firearm in public, criminal street gang activity, you know, the like), Jeremy has about 24,000 things going for him – the ladies love him.

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In fact, the love runs so deep, I have a friend in New York who works as an assistant modelling agent who is trying to figure out if he can travel across state lines, should he make bail. Which makes sense. Because with eyes like that (which another friend poetically pointed out, “they’re so watery. like a pit bull”), he’ll need bail (too pretty for prison), a lawyer, a parole officer and a modeling contract.

Someone call Donatella.

 

Ambiguous Ethinicty Challenge #1

Before Cheerios had Clayton Bigsby’s people and their white robes all knotted up, this commercial slipped quietly through…

or passed, as one might say.

Now, let’s think about this for a second. The commercial never implies that the family is Black or even mixed. For a brief moment, I thought, “Oh look, some suburban American family adopted two little Aboriginal boys,” but then I realized that Saburu was trolling me. Trolling that whole ambiguous ethnicity thing without having to put a flag down anywhere. Sort of like Mariah Carey circa 1990. Despite this Jedi-Master trolling trick, and considering the curl on the kids’ head, it’s safe to say that this family is either Black, mixed or Jews with a Tahoe summer house that gets a religious workout.

jewish_family

TBD.

Let’s start with the hair. It’s the wiry road to Damascus; it will lead to the Gospel and truth. And the truth of the matter is that considering that the children’s hair is all over their heads, I’m going to assume that their mother is indeed White and at a loss with what to do with it.

And if you live in San Francisco/Los Angeles/any major city in the U.S.,  many times have have you seen this agony in the grocery store check-out lines?

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Fundamentally, adorable.

And of course, it’s never the child’s fault. No one would walk out the house looking like that with a choice. And no mother does it on purpose. But hair conditioner, detangler and quarter size amounts of product only go so far and only do so much. Ergo, all points strongly correlate with a follically overwhelmed White mother.

Mixed: +1

I just love how, when you’re not wasting time with data or facts, how much faster you get to the point. 

Subarus. Now, this might be a very strong case for the Jewish family with the Lake Tahoe house. One, I can not see a Jew without Larry Ellison money splurging on a separate summer and winter house. (The houses in the commercial were too close together to suggest Larry Ellison or Ricky Rozay money.) The unrelated correlation between Jews and Lake Tahoe now has legs, as a Tahoe house is actually cost effective, being able to be used in all four season. And that’s important, especially considering that Subarus do really well in the snow. And as we’ve all know, Black people do not ski, snowboard nor participate in other cold winter activities that white people like because they do not like to get wet. (Disregard Black girl in photo; obvious trade in the 1998 Racial Draft.) Now, I don’t want to bog you down with all the data to support this fact, or clinical commentary from Murray’s or Soft & Beautiful, but I can scientifically prove that snow is indeed water and ergo Black people, especially Black women, just do not like that shit.

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Are these the glistening follicles of a people that fuck with water recreationally??

But here’s a secret: Jews don’t like that shit either though. No, not Soft & Beautiful (because I’ve definitely had some Hebrew Heathers confess their addiction to the creamy crack), but water. It’s just all around kryptonite. But, Jews can definitely go IncogHebrew more successfully than one can go IncogNegro, so I’m willing to go with an upwardly mobile Jewish-ish family on this one.

Jewish: +1

I can’t let the whole single parent household thing slide. Now, while we don’t know for sure that the mother isn’t in the picture, considering that no Jewish mother would let that much happiness abound without her having something to say about and no I can’t imagine a Black mother, upon seeing all that water damage to the car, to let that go without threats of severe ass whuppings abound, so I’m going to assume these kids’ mother is Anglo-Saxon and absent. Not as in, “I went to Whole Foods to go get some cashew milk” absent, but more like, “I’m in rehab” absent.  Because again, who would let their child walk out the house like that… And justlikethat, we deducted that the mother is indeed White through the Rhetorical Socratic Method.

Mixed: +1

You might say that I didn’t address the question if this family was Black or not, but since it’s a well known fact that the One Drop Rule is the Joker Card in all race determination conversations, there was no need to waste precious HTML.

So, as we’ve thus determined that this family is indeed mixed, we should be asking ourselves why didn’t Subaru get credit for stealth trolling the Cheerio racists a lot sooner?

Unsolved mysteries of the Internets.

Final determination: Mixed