::LEAVES IT AT THE ALTAR OF JOY AND THANKSGIVING::
It’s a slow news day. Now that we’ve said of that, we wanted to make you aware of the racially ambiguous/magically delicious/beautiful felon that is Jeremy Meeks – because you’re girlfriend (or boyfriend) most surely is already acquainted. In fact, they’re all conspiring to help this beautiful stranger make bail. All $900,000 of it.
Despite being a presumably hardened criminal (he’s been convicted six times) who was arrested this time for “street terrorism” (possession of illegal firearms and ammo, carrying a loaded firearm in public, criminal street gang activity, you know, the like), Jeremy has about 24,000 things going for him – the ladies love him.
In fact, the love runs so deep, I have a friend in New York who works as an assistant modelling agent who is trying to figure out if he can travel across state lines, should he make bail. Which makes sense. Because with eyes like that (which another friend poetically pointed out, “they’re so watery. like a pit bull”), he’ll need bail (too pretty for prison), a lawyer, a parole officer and a modeling contract.
Someone call Donatella.
Stay woke Spotify.
Spotify, which is known for paying half crumbs to artists, just got got. Or slept on. However you want to put it. Either way, the billion-dollar behemoth was no match for the ingenuity of broke Millennials.
Vulfpeck (pronounced “Wolfpack”) asked its fans to fund their tour, but without paying a dime. What broke 18-35 year old wouldn’t be down for that? You see, Spotify would be the corporate sponsor. But to do this free tour, Vulfpeck asked their fans to help them troll said sponsor.
In what the band described as the “most silent album” ever, Sleepify is made up of 30 second silent tracks (the amount of time that a song must be played in order for Spotify to pay the licensing fee) that they asked listeners to play on repeat while they slept, “to make their sleep productive.” So, basically, while they slept and played Sleepify on repeat, fans were helping to fund the tour – which Vulfpeck promised would be free – by “listening” 2,857,143 times to the silent tracks, eventually “raising” $20,000. Naturally Spotify wasn’t too happy about being a surprise benefactor. As one band member put it, “I think they panicked when they realized that someone was actually making money from the music.” Needless to say, Spotify removed Sleepify and Vulfpeck from the platform, stating that it/they violated terms and conditions.
In these life and times of Millennial poverty, a Millennial’s gotta do what a Millennial’s gotta do.
A little Louis C.K. humor to get you through the last stretch of the week. The best parts? #36, #31, #20, #19 and #5.
Louis C.K. is often compared to Woody Allen (whose new movie he’s even starring in), but to me, C.K. is this generation’s George Carlin, a savagely funny comedian who isn’t afraid to touch on real issues. Carlin was something of a people’s philosopher, who just happened to swear a lot, and C.K. has touched on issues ranging from politics, environmentalism, consumption, race, class, education and masturbation, one of his personal favorite subjects. He’s also just about the only male comedian I know who deals with sexual assault well. Louis C.K. just gets it.
Here’s 55 of his greatest quotes, presented in no particular order.
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always on a rapture kick. Though not a Golden Eagle, owls are pretty dope too. Check out this amazing video on owls with awesome commentary. Like this:
“Try riding a bicycle at night and pick up a moving burrito with your feet based on the sound that it makes. That is how an owl do.“
And just like that, another First World Problem solved that we didn’t know we had. Next thing you know, someone will be creating an app to help you wipe your ass.
Showering is great, I’m a big fan. But drying off? Laaaaammmmmeeee. All that towelling, it’s enough to make you need another shower, am I right? New York-based startup The Body Dryer realizes this, and they’ve created a device to help you skip the towel and get dry a better way.
The Body Dryer dries you from the ground up, using a device that resembles a bathroom scale but that shoots air up to rid your body of all that excess water. The whole point of the thing is supposed to be to get rid of bacteria that can accumulate and grow on towels, which are apparently a breeding ground for that kind of thing (who knew).
The Body Dryer uses forced “ionized air” which can be set to blow either hot or cold, and the company wants to make them not only for home use, but also for commercial installations in…
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Once upon a time when I galley slaved in Corporate America, I used to pop a Valium to get my mind right, just to walk onto the subway platform. Not these kids though. From the looks of their smiles, their sex life is either too amazing for words or the dosage of Adderall near lethal. Either which way, I’ll take some.
In 9 hours, Kai Jordan and James Doernberg traveled to every single subway station in the city. Doernberg said, something about having a “personal record of accomplishment while in New York.” Oh, the energy of young college interns. They have so much ambition, so many fucks to give.
Play on playas.
The summer’s half way over. Get your i-Phone selfies/staycation adventures on!